Any joke that I make about 9/11 has a tendency to crash and burn.
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
Why couldn’t the principal call the orphan's parents?
Because he doesn’t have any.
You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.
What did the orphan's parent say when he got bad grades?
Nothing, he doesn't have any.
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
I wanted to fall off a cliff, sadly, there aren't any cliffs near my house.
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"
Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.
How do you know if a black lady’s pregnant?
You put a banana up her vagina and see if any little monkeys come and get it.
Q: Why do women only use their lefts?
A: Because they don't have any rights.
Why can’t orphans tell jokes?
Because their parents can’t *bear* the *jeans* because they don’t have any.
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.
