And jokes

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?

Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!

Do you like In-N-Out?

Yes, why? In and out of your mouth.

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, he will fly once. Throw a man off an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life."

- Sun Tzu

What is the difference between a fat person and a whole pizza?

Well, a whole pizza cannot eat a fat person.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

You're so poor that you die and go to the backrooms.

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

Why did Justin Bieber start playing hide and seek with his fans?

Because they keepped.

What do eating a watermelon, rolling a cigarette, and eating a hippie chick out have in common?

Spit, spit, spit!

Wanna see a mistake go on camera and take a pic of you?

Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

What is your favorite amendment? A rapper.