And jokes
You're so fat when you told your mum and dad, even they laughed!
If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣
Memes
I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.
Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.
Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!
Stacy: lol
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Why were the Twin Towers mad? They ordered pepperoni, and they only got plane.
A king ordered to execute a gay man.
The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."
Confusion life question!!!
* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?
A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"
The unicorn was so much better, and I love it!
Why can’t USA and England play chess?
The USA has no towers, and England doesn’t have a queen.
Why are the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered a pepperoni pizza, and I got plane'd.
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids.
What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?
It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why is England's team unfair in chess?
Because 2 rooks = 10 and a queen = 9.