And jokes

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

What did one sperm say to the other while swimming side by side?

One turns to the other and asks, "How much further to the fallopian tubes?"

The other says, "I’m not sure, we just passed the esophagus."

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!

Why is it called scissoring and not lip-syncing?

What do you call an Iraqi who owns a camel and a goat?

Bisexual.

Q: What's the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?

A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.

So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.

Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!

You can get the park in the park with you if I have park in your car, and I will be there in a couple of hours. Would you be able to pick them out at your house, and I will pick you up, and I will be at your place at your convenience. I can get them in a little while. I’m at the park. Bye.

So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.

“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.

“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.

So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”

“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

Stop with the emojis. They kinda just make the joke cringy. For example: How many ppl 🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷 does it take to have 🥒🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑???? Well, it takes at least 1 🤷 and 1 👰 and they make a perfect ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤. See how cringy it is. I mean sure, it's a dumb example, but still, just at least less emojis.

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

I’m enyaw and I fancy my PE teacher. She is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank. I always watch her because I am a creep. I live at school under the stairs, but I also try [to] follow her home, and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door.

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.

One night a guy asked his wife where she wanted to eat. She said, "Chinese food," so he flew her to China. The next night, he asked her what she wanted to eat. She said, "Indian food," so he flew her to India. The last night, he said, "What do you want to eat?" and she said she wanted nothing, so he flew her to Africa.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"

Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.