And jokes

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!

What do Asians and John Cena have in common? You can't see me!

We should stop taking the piss out of Asian people. I mean, they already have enough on their plates... like cats and dogs.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.

Women are like tornadoes.

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in and I'll tell ya.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's nonexistent hairline, even though Josh has massive ears and his face looks like a monkey's... if they were white.

What’s the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?

Pikachu, I choose you!

There was this Down syndrome boy that always wanted to be a cop, and he did. He pulled someone over and said, "Know why I pulled you over?"

The guy replied, "Because I was speeding?"

He said, "No, because you're black."

Imagine this scenario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "You have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc." and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

Person 1: I heard oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

Person 2: OMg!

What’s the difference between an orphan and a sugar donut?

People want donuts.

The twin towers were just tryna take after the leaning tower of Pisa, but they lost their balance and fucked it up.