And jokes
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Memes
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
What's the difference between a black Jew and a white Jew?
The black Jew sits in the back of the oven.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
Why can't science be combined with religion?
Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"