And jokes

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Don’t be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

I refuse to go bungee jumping. I was brought into this world from broken plastic, and I REFUSE to die the same way.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

What's the difference between cotton and an orphan?

One gets picked.

Q: What's the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

A: At least one does something when it is triggered.

I saw a man. I saw another man. And I saw another. Where am I? Comment below.

I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

Well, I saw a stripper, and she was trying out bread.

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

What do the Twin Towers and Angry Birds' pigs have in common?

They always getting hit.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.