And jokes

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh f-i-s-h (and the eye).

What do Marie Antoinette and 2005-2012 Korn have in common?

They're both Headless.

What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?

One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

Roses are red, chocolate is brown,

I expect nothing and still get let down!

The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,

"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

Believe in unicorns, and they'll believe in you!

I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.

What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.

What's the difference between the Grand Canyon and a blonde?

The Grand Canyon is a busy ditch.

What do royals and hot dogs have in common?

They're usually in bread.

You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

To spite Santa and Greta Thunberg, I'm burning the coal I got for Christmas.

He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.

She: Why?

He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)

What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?

A baby playing with a scalpel.