And jokes

You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple gets picked.

What does the M and D in "orphan" stand for?

"Mum" and "Dad."

What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup?

You can roast chicken.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

What’s the difference between candy and an orphan?

Candy is something everybody wants.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

What goes in hard and comes out soft? A toothbrush.

Why should you always be friends with an emo kid?

They always hang around.

This is not a joke, nor did I come up with it.

If somebody calls you ugly, just hug them and say, "Life must be hard for you since you have visual impairment!"

Your mama so ugly she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.

If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.

Your mama is so slow, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.

I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt

And a person said to me:

"That must be a bit tight round the neck".

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.