And jokes

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.

I wrote a book called "Endless Love."

It’s about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller.

What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?

When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

What’s the difference between Batman and the Black Panther?

Batman returns.

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain finished the races.

What does a pregnant slave and a "pay less" sale have in common?

Buy one, get one free.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and on their land.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Both come off with alcohol.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

You can’t “jelly” it in her ass.

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"