And jokes

"Left, center, right, and apolitical, also skeptical, are also a joke."

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

Hope the towers are doing well this morning, and I'll get back to you!

What do Shrek and onions have in common?

*LAYERS*

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

Yo mama's so fat, she's both in the Atlantic and Pacific ocean.

The department of touch yourself is coming to the UK near you. I hope Scotland gets freedom. I can't wait to leave England and live in Scotland.

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

What is the difference between a detective company and a man with eyes on his butt?

One has a private eye, and the other has eyed privates.

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

What's red and got makeup all over?

A Bill Cosby victim.

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Jo mama is so fat that I could write 3 paragraphs, and she still wouldn't fit!

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Why do orphans hate the letter FMD? Because F stands for "family," M stands for "mom," and D stands for "dad."