And jokes

What is the difference between a flat tire bicycle and a woman?

Answer: You need to pump the tire on the bicycle before you ride it, while a woman you need to ride her and pump.

You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.

How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

Papyrus: Sans, can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human!

Sans: Sure bro, lemme just get on the Tele-bone.

Papyrus: Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!!

Sans: Yea bro.

Papyrus: You know what? I will tell Undyne instead.

If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

Life has ups and downs, and they had downs.

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.

Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?

The adult person I asked: Cereal?

Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?

The person: Yes.

Me: WHAT?!!!??!!

What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?

My stepdad did beat cancer.

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a square room and tell her to run in a circle.

I'm horny and gay.

What’s the difference between a brick and redheads? Bricks get laid.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, had some fun, now they have 4 babies.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*