And jokes

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

I walked into an orphanage and asked a kid why they were crying.

They said: "Because I lost my parents."

I said: "Let's find them."

They cried harder, so I walked out of the orphanage.

"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."

What's Superman's weaknesses? Kryptonite and horses.

Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age, and she died.

Don’t stop orphan jokes. They’re funny, and people are just mad that they don’t understand the jokes because they're too STUUUPID.

I like you, you like me.

Let’s go out and kill Barney with a big shot gun. Barney’s on the floor, no more purple dinosaur. 🌸🌸🌸🌺🌺🌺🥀🥀🥀RIP BARNEY

You know, I got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.

How dairy!

How do you make an elephant float?

One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!

Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.

Guy is at athletic meet. Asks guy if he is a pole vaulter.

He replies, "No I am German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

Why can you punch an orphan and get away with it?

Because what is he gonna do, tell his parents?

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic and the other is a priest.

What's the difference between a homeless person and a car?

Only one gets fuel.

When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.

And into a children's birthday party.

Q. What's red and crawls up your leg?

A. A homesick abortion.