And jokes

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

What’s the difference between a kid with cancer and a dark humor joke?

They never get old.

Yo mama so fat Trump built a wall around her and not the border.

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

How many redheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

How do Asians name their babies?

They throw pots and pans around.

"Ching, Chang, Clang!"

What's the definition of rude?

Sticking a blind man in a corner and telling him to find his wife.

I like peanut butter and honey.

What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.

If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of underpants?

A. A cock and a few hairs (hares).

I was at a baseball game and I was wondering why the ball was coming closer.

And then it hit me.

A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"

He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.

The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.