And jokes

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

Two terrorists walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."

The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"

Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."

What do you get when you cross a dick and a potato?

A dictator.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?

Santa stops at three hoes.

I had a great day today because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table, and the teacher screamed, "Allison, how would you like it if I banged you on the table?"

I don’t get why Katniss was bitching so much in ‘The Hunger Games’ books. Ethiopia has been competing for years and I don’t hear any of them complaining.

Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?

Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

What’s the difference between your dad and your hairline?

Nothing, they both ran off.

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.

What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking's after a house fire.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

What is the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.

What do strippers and butter have in common?

Both spread for bread.