And jokes

What’s the difference between chocolate and people?

You can’t buy people nowadays.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite type of music?

Rock and Roll.

Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?

A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

What do a plastic bag and Jeffery Epstein have in common?

They're both dangerous to children.

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.

What's the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?

One is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for children. The other is for groceries.

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.

What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?

They will come down your "chimney" tonight.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"