And jokes

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Emma Watson gets hotter and hotter in the Harry Potter movies when you’re watching in reverse order.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?

They are both legless.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't scream when you put meat inside it.

What’s the difference between chocolate and people?

You can’t buy people nowadays.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?

A. Bisexual.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

What is the difference between women and cars?

At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.