And jokes

What do you call a party planned by Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?

A high school pill party.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

What do blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.

Bing, bang, boom!

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

I was just chilling in the World Trade Center and got airplane wifi.

What's red and spins really fast?

Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.