And jokes

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

What's red, green, and goes 90 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

For all the Harry Potter fans:

A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.