And jokes

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

I say hi to Sans. Sans shows his hand and says, "It's hand to meet you," and we both laugh.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

What starts with "E" and ends with "G"?

Everything.

Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?

First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:

"The canons be ready, Captain!"

"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

What do you call 4 black guys and 2 white guys?

The Oreo Gang!

I had a horse named Mayo, and sometimes Mayonnaise.

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have so much in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.