And jokes

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song?

"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

What goes in dry and comes out wet and has white stuff at the end?

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!