And jokes

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Mom, can I please go out and play?

... no answer.

What is long and black? The line at Popeyes.

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

Yeah, I'm made out of DNA.

✨ Depression and anxiety ✨

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄