And jokes

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

I would tell jokes about Kobe, but they would just crash and burn.

what's the difference between a feminist and a knife?

one has a point.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks confused and says, "Oh really? You have a drink named 'Bob'??"

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

What is black and white and is dead?

My Chemical Romance.

Bend over and spell run.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?

Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.