And jokes

Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.

We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"

Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

I was on an orphan's website, but I pressed on his profile and realized he had no home page.

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

What is the difference between a condom and an orphan?

One of them is used.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

It was just a prank, and stop calling our humor "plane." In our opinion, it's fire.

What do garbage bins and horny women have in common?

They wait to be filled with a big load.

Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

What's the difference between drugs and children? I don't sell drugs.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

What is the difference between apples and orphans? Apples get picked!

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."