And jokes

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

Become an anti-furry for free KFC and dead orphans in your basement.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?

When you drop them both, everyone screams.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a drawer?

The drawer has papers.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?

In the U.K., it's a swear word.

In America, it's a family reunion.

What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?

I am not registered.

I flew a paper airplane and I rate it 9/11.

I know an orphan named Zara, and he has never had homemade food.

What is the difference between an orphan and cotton candy?

Answer: The cotton candy gets picked.

I'm actually against abortion.

Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!

Today I was at PE, and I saw a kid in a wheelchair. I threw a basketball at him, and I yelled, "Rocket League!"

What’s the difference between an orphan and a leaf? Only one falls down the family tree.