And jokes

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of kids.

A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.