And jokes

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?

90% of America's population.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They put her in a circle room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

What is Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Head and Shoulders.

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

I am an actual police officer (Not gonna mention with which department in case they actually check this site) and tbh I find these jokes funny as fuck, carry on boys.

Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?

A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?

Mixed nuts.

You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?

European.