And jokes

What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.

What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A stoner has papers.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

What do furries and fast food lovers have in common? They both love hot dogs.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.