And jokes
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
Memes
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.
Why did the sea cry?
Because it felt salty and blue.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?
Both end up getting cut.
Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.
A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.