And jokes

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

What’s the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?

You can hear a hormone.

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.

What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of kids.

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.

Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.

Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.

Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."