Wanna know why I don’t make suicidal jokes?
Because I am one.
I am no longer anonymous.
What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?
I am not registered.
If I'm racist to everybody, am I even racist?
Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why?
Father: You’ll need them there.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.
Here are some rules to make a good joke:
1: Don't say “my life.”
2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.
3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).
I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”
Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”
Hi. I am Joe.
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
I am only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
