Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill, Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill to build this still will take so long, Jill said to Jack well F---k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would we 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini. The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him. The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao
A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What's got you down" The man says "I just found out my Niece is gay." The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks "What's got you down now?" The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says "My wife does."
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin the bartender said to her I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink and she said not usually but I am doing the bishop a favour the bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening and she said no I am with the bishop tonight.
Two priests are in a bar one says to the other priest Ill swap you 2 5 for a 10
so a neutron went to a bar, he asked the bartender how much for a beer, the bartender said, " For you, NO charge."
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics They only come out for the Booz
I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers their didn't have that much breast milk.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive,slipped,and said, "oh shit".
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey Jim!"
Candy is dandy
But liqour is quicker.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature -- Tequila Mockingbird
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus,the bartender says "Don't you mean a Martini?"the Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I'll ask for one.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex? They are not for kids.
