Alcohol

Alcohol jokes

Train

    • A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."

    "A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.

    "Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."

    Bar

    • You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

    Nun

    • One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

    The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

    "What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

    "Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

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    • Whiskey

    • I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

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    • Asphalt

    • A man walks into a bar carrying a big chunk of asphalt and says to the bartender, “Make mine a double Scotch and one more for the road.”

    Furry

    • I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

    I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

    He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

    "Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

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    • Wife

    • My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

    Wine

    • I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

    Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

    It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

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    • Song

    • Here's a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions-

    My buddies think I'm on the lake.

    Boss thinks I've been sick for days.

    And mama's probably on her way

    'Cause I ain't picked up the phone.

    I've been a million places,

    But they're all up in my head.

    Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

    Took a trip down memory lane.

    Checked into hotel heartbreak.

    Passed rock bottom on the way

    Without leaving my living room.

    I've been a million places

    But they're all up in my head.

    Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone.

    Yeah

    I've been gone.

    All the clothes are on the floor

    All the mail's by the door

    All the whiskey bottles in my bed.

    All the dishes in the sink

    All the gas is in the tank

    All the neighbors probably think I'm dead.

    I've been gone, I've been gone

    I've been sittin' on the couch watching TV all day long.

    All day long, I've been tryin' to figure out how a good thing went wrong

    Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane

    Sadder than a country song.

    Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way

    Ever since you moved on, I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

    I've been gone (ooh, ooh)

    Gone

    Post

    • The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

    He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

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    • Parent

    • When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

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