Aed jokes
Q: What kind of building weighs the least?
A: A lighthouse!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Stop acting like an owl!
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
Are you a banana...
because I find you a-peeling!
If you're ever bored, just beat up an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Knock knock. Who's there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can't reach the doorbell knocking at your door.
A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."
There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."
There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."
There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."
There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."
Then it all happened.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish came up and caught the fly.
The bear came out and caught the fish.
The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.
The mouse went for the sandwich.
The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.
The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
What do you get when you get yourself a deer with no eyes?
You get no-eye-deer.
Why couldn’t 3 ask 4 on a date?
Because he was 2 squared.
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in for ya?
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
If your kid beats up an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?
What does a cow watch?
MooTube.
Q: Where does a one-legged waitress work?
A: IHOP.
Have you ever heard of Jane Doe? Well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!