Action jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't turn on his shower, he just stares at it until it cries.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?

The recoil.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

If your uncle Jack needed help getting off of a horse, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I screamed, "EXTREME PARKOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Imagine if the kid in a wheelchair was in Fast and Furious. His wheelchair is the only one that keeps him going.

How do you make an emo mad at you?

Cut the rope.

Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?

Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

This is mean af. Y'all need to stop this. Like, what the f *ck? What would happen if you all grew up and you were like this? Like, damn.

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

I was at the bank yesterday.

A lady asked to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Ukrainians leave without saying goodbye.

Russians say goodbye without leaving.

I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

Thanks to an unfortunate typo, it's the most one-sided action movie ever.

Alen vs. Predator.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

She'd suck my dick and let me suck her tits.

Q: Why do orphans hate Fast and Furious movies?

A: Because they say "family" too often.

America has white people that are terrorists and racists. They love to blame people from different countries for what they have done.

White person: "We are not terrorists. Why would [we] ever do that in our history?"

The rest of the people: *looks at them stupid* "Y'all were the first motherfuckers to be a terrorist first and then wanting to blame others for your action."

1 person: "You still carrying that confederate flag. It means hatred and [you're] still trying to fight to bring back slaves again. Y'all say it's heritage and not hate, but [you're] clearly still a fucking loser, and your flag has an X [on it, which] means wrong. So... Still a loser. People can't be racist to a racist. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying all white people are racist, but I am talking about the ones who voted for Trump and be blind as hell. FUCK DONALD TRUMP AND THE RACIST PEOPLE!"