Simone

Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?

A. Crayons.

I got hired to work as a camp counselor for kids with ADHD, but I got fired. I guess I shouldn't have introduced myself with "Welcome to concentration camp".

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.

Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.

I can’t stand jokes about Germans.

They’re the wurst.

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Q. What's a necrophiliac's favorite dating site? A. Find a Grave.

Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.

Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.

The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.

Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.

When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.