Simone

I'm Canadian, and I admit we've done some stupid things. But we've never given nuclear launch codes to a literal retard.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Just ask your parents.

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

The president of the USA is so damn stupid. His mother must have taken Tylenol while she was pregnant with him, or something.

Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.

If a prostitute is celebrating her birthday, does she get a hoecake?

I tried being an emo, but I never got the hang of it.

Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?

A. Crayons.

I got hired to work as a camp counselor for kids with ADHD, but I got fired. I guess I shouldn't have introduced myself with "Welcome to concentration camp".

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.

Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.

I can’t stand jokes about Germans.

They’re the wurst.

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."