Simone

Q. What do you call a biracial kid in a vegetative state?

A. A mixed vegetable.

Q. What do you call a rich person who is in a vegetative state?

A. A loaded potato.

I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.

Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.

It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.

Dog toys are getting out of control.

My mum's dog has a round bison bone.

Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Trump got a new jet.

He's probably already licked the windows.

Q' What's an Alzheimer's victim's favorite type of comedy?

A. I forget.

Q. What's an aborted baby's favourite type of humor? A. ...

Q. What's an emo's favorite type of comedy?

A. Gallows humor.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.