Simone

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

In Jr. high, we all had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood and wrote a report on how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?

It's often said that people peaked in high school.

I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.

No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.

Explain Bear is always there for you.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

I'm okay with giving babies iPads, as long as the baby has anencephaly.

You can't get brain rot if you don't have a brain!

Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.

Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.

Q. What do a one-story house and an Alzheimer's victim have in common? A. Nothing going on upstairs.

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

Q. What's the difference between Donald Trump and orange Jello?

A. The Jello has a higher IQ.

If a Jewish kid has ADHD, do they get sent to a concentration camp?