I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.
Simone
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.
Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.
Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.
I can’t stand jokes about Germans.
They’re the wurst.
If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
Q. What's a necrophiliac's favorite dating site? A. Find a Grave.
Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.
Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.
Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.
When you accidentally make your joke too dirty and get in shit from Explain Bear.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.
And an exorcism.
Q. What do Canadian women and Canadian beer have in common? A. They're both stronger than they look.