Shower thoughts

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?

They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.

How do you disappoint people in Africa?

Send a message saying that you’re going to send trucks full of food, water, and clothing.

But don’t follow through and send the trucks empty.

Put Helen Keller in George Floyd's position. How would she cry out for help? Would she just moan, or would she try to do sign language?

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.

There’s no hope.

I recently got pulled over by the cops and started spazzing out because of the police lights.

He arrested me for impersonating George Floyd.

*I have seizures*

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.

I just cut everyone.

What war did the black community win?

The Obama era. Only to lose to a smarter white person.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?

I have some black friends who hate it when I say the N-word around them, so I got a pet monkey.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

Does a midget count as an orphan?