What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
Shower thoughts
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
Why can’t Helen Keller jump out of an airplane?
It scares the shit out of her dog.
What is the most awkward moment when Helen Keller is playing pin the tail on the donkey?
Her friends aren’t sure whether to blindfold her.
What was the scariest thing Helen Keller ever read? The waffle iron.
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) 9/11. (9/11 who?) [pause] You said you’d never forget.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby who?
Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.
What’s the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter? Only one came out the chamber.
What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11? Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.
Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) Little boy blue. (Little boy blue who?) Michael Jackson.
Why does a queen have more mobility than the king in chess?
Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American? Cause Americans are really good at separating colors.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary? Concentration problems.
How do Americans learn the metric system? 9mm at a time. problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common? Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics
not being retarded