Worst Jokes Ever

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?

What do you call a funny cow?

A cowmedian.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.

Flippity floppity, women are property.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks!

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.