"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Worst Jokes Ever
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
What do you call Mexicans in a band trying to be a white band?
"Juan Direction."
Jeffrey Dahmer was eating at 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.
I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
Where do people with no legs go to have fun?
Legnoland.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."
The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."
"Wait, wha..."
"What?"
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
Jokes suck.
What do you call a lesbian? Me.
