Worst Jokes Ever
What song genre do the national anthems fit into?
Country.
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
I like my COVID like I like my women: 19 and easy to spread.
Why didn't the seagull fly over the bay? Because it would be a bagel.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? - 'Cause she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.
You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
What is a Russian joke?
Something that will be funny for Russian people.
Orphans are really out here taking selfies.
Nah bro, that's a family photo.
Why are orphans prostitutes?
So they can call someone "daddy."
My penis is longer than one inch.
Teacher: What is a cow?
Kid: Meat.
Teacher: Nice. What is a chicken?
Kid: Eggs.
Teacher: What does the big fat pig give you?
Kid: Homework.
Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the United States James Earl Carter?
Read the label on the jar of Skippy peanut butter.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.