Worst Jokes Ever
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Bob: Hey bud, remember we're going to space!
Carol: Really? I forgot to planet.
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
What did the cactus look like with his tuxedo on?
Sharp! 🤣
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
Why is a pro fighter like a fisher?
They both can throw a hook.
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."
"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."
Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅
Why do orphans play GTA?
Because they need to know what it’s like to be wanted.
Why didn't the cows eat the lemon grass?
It made sour milk.
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.
Don't do gay jokes, come on guys.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you ain't already told her twice.