Worst Jokes Ever

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.

The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!

When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

I'm all panic and no disco.

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

I'm great!! I'm good. I'm doing good hahaha. I mean "well" haha! Haha I'm doing well, not good! Haha I'm not doing good! I'm not doing so good.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find

Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

Me: And this is the room I cry in.

Date: You've said that about every room.

Me: Correct!

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.