Worst Jokes Ever

What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.

roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

You masturbate...

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You won't get any Squirtle and Bulbasaur pets.

An Asian walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you, too, sing 'One Long Toy Cow'?"

The bartender says to the Asian, "Sorry, I don't speak Chinese."

"Hee hee touch my pp."

Joe mama so fat, she fell on both sides of the bed.

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

What's a depressed person's favorite drink?

Depresso expresso.

JK, it's bleach.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?

Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter Eggs!

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

Why can't homeless people be gay?

They don't have a closet to get out of.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”