Yours jokes
Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.
Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.
Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"
Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?
I really hit the mother lode with you!
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
Your cut [is] so broke, even Bob the Builder can't fix it.
Bro, is your hairline and your forehead good friends because they go way back?
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in your dirty laundry!
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"