You're jokes

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”

Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.

Me: I have no bullet holes.

Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.

Me: Ayo what the fuc*.

"Why is your head big?"

"'Cause you're a ball."

Kid: Hey, why am I an orphan?

Adult: I don't know, ask your parents.

Imagine losing your child in WW2 and your son fucking respawns, so you tell him off for not getting enough kills.

A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.

The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

Bully: How’s your girlfriend?

Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?

Bully: *cries*

Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

"Go frick a cow!"

"I already fricked your mother."

You're a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

I called an orphan's house, saying: "Are your parents home yet?"

He started crying.

Kid on Xbox: I'm not a virgin. Ask your sister.

Bully on Xbox: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Kid on Xbox: You will in 9 months.

Your momma's so fat, she went on safari and got shagged by an elephant!

Your hairline is so far back that when I wrote it on a chalkboard, it did not erase.

Kid: Why is Pluto a dwarf planet?

Kid 2: Why?

Kid: 'Cause it's as short as your dick.

What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.