You jokes

"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.

You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

A man goes for a pee in a haunted house.

He unzips his pants at the urinal when a man dressed as a goblin chuckles next to him. "You got a small dick, buddy," the man says to him.

Hi, people. I really need a friend. Can someone please be my friend? Say in comments if you will.

You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.

Think about it.

This is our motto- "Never fear orphans! You are even more special than diamonds."

Orphan club for ppl who stand up for orphans!

When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

What do you call a pig at the beach?

Bacon.

To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!

What did the purple grape say to the green grape? "Breathe, you idiot, breathe!"

Get it?

What do you call a hot tub full of special ed students?

Vegetable Soup.

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

A dictator.

If I were in a staring contest with you, I would be looking at a rainbow.

If you looked in the mirror, you would see an ugly person, which is you.

What do you call a bunch of bald paki in a swimming pool? Coco pops.

Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?

Stop imagining!

Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

What do you call a group of depressed teenagers?

Suicide Squad.