You jokes
You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.
Roses are red, I'm off the grid,
John Cena accidentally says "you can't see me" to a blind kid.
How do you make a trash can leak?
Hit it with an axe until it becomes part of the cosmos!
You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.
When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.
Why shouldn’t you play cards in Africa?
'Cause there’s too many cheetahs.
Roses are red, I wish you were dead.
Like if you are straight; comment if you are LGBTQ+; dislike if you are a Nazi.
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"
The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"
The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"
The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"
The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"
Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed three episodes of your favorite show.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You only need 1 nail to hang a painting!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Son: What's for dinner tonight?
Mom: Steak!
Son: Mom, you know I only eat veggies, so what's for me?
Mom: HUNGER!