Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokémon!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your cock into a girl's mouth.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?
Calculator!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
