You jokes

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?

Anonymouse.

Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?

Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.

How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.

Why are some people African?

Because genes, you dummy!

What do you call a plane with no wings?

Sally.

What do you call a disabled Asian?

Sum Ting Wong.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheels.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

What do you call an animal underground? A fossil.

Weedle will make you high.

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

What do you call a fat midget?

A pig.

How do you kill a little boy?

You throw him between two Catholic priests.

I would tell you a joke about pizza,

but it's too cheesy.