If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
did you ear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? well, he's dead.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you a lot!
Genie: You can only have 3 wishes.
Man: I wish for more wishes.
Genie: You can’t wish for more wishes.
Man: I wish I could.
Genie: ......
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
What do you call an orphan taking a family photo?
A selfie.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
I don't know, either. It depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Doritos.
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.
