You jokes
Did you hear that story "Three Lines in the Sand?" By dickadraggin'.
Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.
You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)
GUY 1: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
GUY 2: Depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a crappy circumcision?
A rip-off.
Me: I fucked your mom.
Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.
Nobody knows how bad you smell.
Why would you never donate to crabs?
Because they're shellfish!
What do you call your son?
An mistake.
Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?
Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"
Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!
What do you call a deaf child?
-Ryan Simmonite-
"Knife to meet you all!"
Do you want to hear a joke about a construction?
Sorry, still working on it!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a fish?
A genetically unstable animal that is impossible and would die instantly upon existing. If it could live, it would be a deformed, parasitic tumor that undulates through people.
An assassin threatens a planet.
The planet remains calm.
The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
How do you get Dick from Richard?
You ask nicely.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")