You Jokes

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orphan.

Orphan who?

Are you my mommy?

What time is it when you get home and you can walk walk?

Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?

I love you.

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.

What did Charizard say to Arceus? "Knife to meet you, literally. I got you out of Pokémon Sword and Shield!"

All the traffic stopping the cars, how do you spell that without any R’s?

That.

What time is it when you say "bad day?"

What time is it when you walk out to the school?

Time to go to school!

What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?

Time to walk with your dog 🐶!

What time is it when you say I can’t walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦼.

What time is it when you cannot walk? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽.

What time is it when you get mad 😡 at school? Time to calm down.

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!

It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.