Work jokes

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?

She was fed up with the hole business.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

I teach orphans.

But the problem is I can't give them homework.

Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?

Cause it’s a family business.

When I was at work, I saw this kid crying. I said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working in an orphanage.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

What’s the difference between a Black person and snow tires?

Snow tires still work after you take the chains off.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Bosses are like seagulls.

They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!

I work with animals!

What do you do?

I’m a butcher.