Work jokes

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?

Cause it’s a family business.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

I teach orphans.

But the problem is I can't give them homework.

When I was at work, I saw this kid crying. I said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working in an orphanage.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

What’s the difference between a Black person and snow tires?

Snow tires still work after you take the chains off.

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Bosses are like seagulls.

They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!