Work jokes
God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.
All that work wasted.
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.
Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?
Cause it’s a family business.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
I teach orphans.
But the problem is I can't give them homework.
When I was at work, I saw this kid crying. I said, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working in an orphanage.
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?
My dick.
What’s the difference between a Black person and snow tires?
Snow tires still work after you take the chains off.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
How do you make a dishwasher work again?
Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.
I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"
I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
I respect anyone who devotes their life to charity work.
But I think Paul Walker went a step too far.
Bosses are like seagulls.
They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard!
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!
I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.
My victims still scream.